People from different parts of the globe will celebrate the “Hearts Day” next week. I just saw something that I wanted to share to all of my friends. Enjoy rediscovering the essentials of a relationship. The author really made a whole lot of sense here.
Today I will give you a portion of his write up and the rest will be posted tomorrow. So read on...
The Fear That Cripples a Relationship
By Dr H. Norman Wright
Have you ever seen movies of birds engaging in a courtship dance? They’re fascinating and funny. The awkward fowls fluff up their feathers, prance around, dance toward one another, and then retreat. They do this time after time until the courtship ritual is finished. Then they get together.
Some people are like this. They move close to a person, but then retreat. Their relationship pattern is a constant pattern of moving closer, then moving away. There seems to be both a strong desire for a lasting relationship, and at the same time an odd reluctance.
“Ambivalence” is another way to describe this situation. If this characterizes you, you’re familiar with the phrase, “Can’t you ever make up your mind?” The inability to decide is a killer when it comes to relationships. With ambivalence as your guide, what you’re doing is operating on the belief that by not making up your mind—by holding out long enough—you’ll eventually make the right decision.
In reality, however, this is a protective move to keep you from taking a risk. An ambivalent person is looking for a guarantee—a certainty of being right. It’s a battle between the heart and the head. Once again, it is fear that underlies this
difficulty.
Fears Both Said and Silent
Many singles experience thoughts and feelings such as the following. Have you felt them yourself?
“I don’t think this relationship will be reciprocated. My friend’s needs
will be met, but mine won’t.”
“This relationship takes so much work. I’m afraid I can’t balance the needs I have for closeness as well as independence.”
“I’m afraid of opening up any more. Why? The more he knows about me, the greater the possibility of rejection. I can’t handle that.”
“If I stay in this relationship I could be controlled.”
“If she meets my family, she’ll discover what a weird bunch I come from. It will make her wonder about me.
“What if she becomes too dependent on me?”
“I’m not sure a marriage will be worth giving up the freedom I like so much!”’
Being married carries with it both freedoms and limitations. I’ve talked with men and women who have been in and out of one relationship after another for 25 years. They say they want a lasting relationship, and have been close to someone at times, but one or both decide not to make that final dance toward intimacy. It’s as though they would rather hold on to their freedom of singleness than exchange it for the freedoms of marriage. They are in some ways driven by fear.
For many it’s a commitment conflict rather than not being able to find anyone. It’s good to approach a lifelong relationship with caution, but some seem downright phobic.
Sometimes relationships are characterized by an overwhelming ambivalence On the one hand the person loves the other and can say it. They may say it very freely at the beginning of a relationship—but their safeguard to keeping themselves from marriage is in the word “but.” Those whose hesitation forms a pattern, and who live with the fear of commitment, often make such statements as:
“I love you, but we’re so different it would never work.”
“I love you, but I think I need more time.”
“I love you, but I just don’t deserve you.”
“I love you, but I have too many other issues to work out first.”
“I love you, but I need to be alone right now.”
“I love you, but I’m interested in others as well.”
“I love you, but I’m not sure I’m in love with you. Do you understand?”
These lines play over and over inside of hesitant people’s minds. Only infrequently are they expressed to their partners. And even if they are, usually the other one hears the “I love you, not the “but.”
Guide to Assessing Your Fears
How can you determine whether you or the person you’re interested in has a high level of fear when it comes to making a commitment? Consider the following characteristics, which are in the form of personal questions.
1. Do you or your partner have a history of relationships in which one wants more and the other less?
This could take the form of more time, closeness or commitment. As you consider the relationships you’ve been in or currently have, do you want more or less?
What about your partner?
Do either of you complain that the other pulls back or withholds?
Do either of you limit how much is given in order to avoid intimacy?
Do either of you have a pattern of hurting or disappointing partners?
Is one a bit anxious because the other is not giving the security he or she needs?
Is one pushing the other for more commitment?
On the following scale, indicate where you are in terms of commitment,
and also where you think your partner is:
0 25% 50% 75% 100%
(Forget it!) (Yes! I’m all for it!)
Me _______________________________________
My Partner _______________________________________
Sometimes it’s difficult for couples who are out of synch to ever get together. When one moves closer the other may move away. It becomes a dance
in which the two are always out of step.
2. Have you ever experienced a significant relationship that came to a halt because you or your partner became too fearful of moving ahead?
If this occurred, do you know if it was a feeling of panic or a steady sense of fear? Who was the person that was rejected? Was this the first time, or a pattern?
3. Have you experienced a relationship in which either you or your partner set limitations of some kind on closeness and intimacy (nonsexual)?
Some people are so structured, so cautious, so compartmentalized, that you’d think they invented boundaries! Their concerns may appear so legitimate that you’re unaware that it’s actually a fear of involvement. It may appear to be caution or simple logistics.
A person may limit his time and availability. He may exclude you from specific
areas of his life such as family functions, work, social occasions, certain
friends, or even his church. I’ve seen some individuals who attended the
same church, but the man made it a point never to be seen there together. He
didn’t want them to be known as a couple. There’s a real message in that! A
person like this may not want to share other special occasions or even special
interests. He or she may even set restrictions on how much money you spend
together on outings, or limit gifts to cards. All of these steps seem to have
the purpose of maintaining a certain distance in relationships.
If you or your partner tend to do this, don’t guess about the motivation. It’s clear.
Excluding and being excluded won’t help a relationship to grow.
4. Do you have a tendency to develop relationships when, down deep, you know they would never work out—that the person just doesn’t have what is needed for a relationship?
Some people do this so they will always end up with an escape clause. Usually the difficulties are there to begin with, but they are overlooked or rationalized. They could be differences involving political views, social status, race, age, levels of Christian commitment, or even Christian vs. non-Christian. It’s an attitude that says. “There is too much of this for it to ever work.”
Differences will be in every relationship; but a pattern of seeking them carries a sign saying. “Watch out!”
5. Do you believe there is that “one and only right person” for you out there
somewhere, but as you look, the person you actually find is never quite right?
Once again this can be a signal that you seek someone with “too much” of
a negative in his or her life. You just haven’t found the ‘right person’ (and
probably never will).
6. Do you or your partner have a tendency to seek out those who are unavailable for one reason or another?
It could be they’re unavailable relationally. They’re involved with someone else, but you’re still attracted—as well as safe. There can be no commitment with someone whose heart is really elsewhere.
Some potential partners are geographically unavailable. You meet someone at a resort or on a plane, and when you’re together it’s great. You write, e-mail, fax and phone each other; but the distance adds to the romance rather than the reality.
There are pros and cons to some long-distance relationships. Some couples have said they put more energy and thought into building the relationship than they would if they were together all the time. And they say they don’t take each other for granted.
But if you marry without several months of spending time together in the
same locale, it can be an intense adjustment. Some say that when the
relationship stops being long-distance it can even precipitate a crisis.
In some ways it is reminiscent of the adjustments required by those in
the armed services when they are deployed for six months to another area. Many
marriages experience major adjustments and crises when the serviceman returns to his family. It takes weeks to settle back into a normal routine. So if you’re
involved in a long distance relationship, be aware of the crisis potential
when you eventually find yourselves in the same area.
Working side by side with this person for three months—seeing them under all kinds of stresses and conditions—will clue you in to reality!
I’ve seen some people who seem purposely to connect with what I call the “permanently unavailable.” It gives them a good basis for commitment to be illusive.
Perhaps you can identify other reasons for someone to avoid commitment.
And perhaps this doesn’t apply to you or the other person. But it’s something to
consider.
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